Dedication: To those who have fallen in and/or fallen out of love. And also those who have never fallen in and/or out of love. To our resilient hearts for enduring so much emotional and senseless beatings.
”Love is a Feeling that Cannot be Reached by Thinking”
When you try to reach love by thinking you get a very complicated kind of love that suffocating and can easily make us weary. Unfortunately, most of us are blessed with a good stamina that enables us to pursue endless games of seductions, pretense and flattery. And more unfortunately we are blessed with motivations, prejudice and pain. The unlucky many live with their blessings in vain. So many of the predicaments, nonsense, anguish and disappointments in a relationship can be avoided.
For instance, our expectations can make those we love bloated or starve the living daily light out of them. We often expect too much and seek that elusive perfect partner that exists only in our cranium. Do you want perfection in an imperfect world? When we think that our partner has let us down and deserve to be abandoned, the fault is ours, not theirs. Similarly, if an experience disappoints us it is because we expect too much from it.
We offer all sorts of theories and explanations to account for why things are and how they are. We find ourselves looking for something that isn’t there yet we still look for it as though it should be there. In relationships we expect our partners to be always loving, sensitive and caring. We live in the expectation that there must be more than what we presently have. Blinded by our seeking, we fail to appreciate that we could see what we are looking for if only we stopped looking. (Fenner)
The Courage to do Nothing
Silence between two people can be a place where they can simply ‘be’. Where they have a mutual sense of space, a natural place of being. It is a profound experience of just being, just being, just playing, together. (Tricia Hiley)
When we see someone for so many years, we should sit down facing each other and say nothing for hours, so that by means of silence our consternation can relish itself. (E. M. Cioran)
So many of us forget that silence is one of the most essential ingredients of a successful or meaningful conversation. Communication (verbal, non-verbal) is central to any relationship. You either connect or disconnect yourself from reality or another individual by how and what you communicate. You can avoid so many misunderstandings by being careful at how and what you say to your partner.
For instance, not forcing yourself to say things and not rushing what you say helps. Also, keep your anger down your throat; do not let it escape your mouth.
Being silent, being comfortable with yourself without having anything escape your mouth. That takes sincerity. When we are sincere our blemishes show. You do not need to cover up your blemishes or imperfections. Appreciate them and you can be sincere to yourself and others. Stop thinking about what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’ and take care of your partner’s needs with ease. Stop trying to please everyone, especially your partner. That way there is this silent conversation that can only be heard when both of you smile at the simple things in life. Silence is nourishing.
Intimacy
There is one disadvantage of loving and becoming more intimate with your partner:
“Love craves closeness, and closeness always brings us face to face with something other than we expected”
So, how do we deal with all the unexpected and distasteful aspects of reality? Just chew it up and swallow it. If you have no preferences, you have no aversions.
Speaking of intimacy, there isn’t a problem with sex before marriage, as long as both partners are responsible. However, there is a problem with sex before love.
Reconciliation
Connecting two people together so they can contribute to each other’s well being and not suffering is reconciliation. It is about talking about what you want from each other rather than what is wrong. Reconciliation comes naturally when our heart and mind reside in change. Connection is better than correction; encouraging rather than being obsessed with right and wrong.
The hardest thing to learn is, sometimes there isn’t a next time. (Anne Deveson)
Marriage
‘Marriage is a year of fire and thirty years of ashes.’
People should discuss beforehand such issues as accommodation, the roles they would like to play within marriage, mutual respect, allowing each other space for private interests and friends, how they like to spend and organize time, money and attitudes, etc. Selfishness, lack of consideration, intolerance and stubbornness can easily crush the love of two people.
Remember: there is not mistake about what happens. You took the chance, made the commitment and here you are, either single or attached. All the necessary conditions came.
